The Matthews family: Our "one"

I think its funny when people with just one kid call their life “chaos”. But, lately, I can kind of see where that parent of one living in chaos is coming from.
It only takes ONE to offset the balance.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying she is our bad egg. She is actually far from it. She is always very happy and loving. Always. She is just our serenity flipper… our on-edge setter… our blood pressure bobber… our funny bone. And she does it all with the sweetest smile and cutest little munchkin face.

In our case, most of the events that our “one” brings forth are both baffling AND hilarious. We scratch our head and slap our knee at the same time, sort of like the ol’ “Can you pat your head and rub your belly at the same time” trick.
(… or was it pat your belly and rub your head? I forgot. Ugh. Whatever)

Over the last few weeks, I have compiled a list of the newest things that Tay has said, done, or does that really help explain her character:

Her: I want a skunk with pits that don’t stink. I awso (also) want a baby hippo that stays small and a pink squirrel. Mom, will you get me that pwwweeeease? And a monkey that doesn’t hang?
Me: Thinking - Doesn’t she realize that’s like asking for crotchless panties? Her requirements completely defeat the purpose.

Her: I want a famiwy (family) like that, Mom. Can we have that kind of famiwy?
while watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame, talking about having a hunchback, Esmeralda, and a few gargoyles.
Me: Uh huh. Sure. When you get big.

Her: I want a pink fwower (flower) like on Jo Jo.
while watching Dr. Seuss’s VERY fictional movie “Horton Hears a Who”, which has totally not-real cotton candy looking flowers in it.
Me: Who is Jo Jo?
Her: The movie!!!! Jo Jo! Don’t say what the heck. You have to know.
Me: Okay. (laughing)
Her: Don’t waugh.
Me: Okay. (laughing more)
Jo Jo is a very minuscule character in Horton Hears a Who. Tay is notorious for picking a very small part of something and using that to describe it. Its up to the parents to figure out what she is talking about. She is of no help and often gets frustrated at our stupidity.

Her: Lets watch the booger movie.
referring to Little Monsters - there's ONE scene where he picks his nose.

Her: When I get big I want to live with Grace and eat Popsicles all the time. She will tell me to lay down and close my eyes when she is big and I get wittle. (little)
after playing, she came to tell me this and then ran off

Her: Can Maven have a bwinky when she gets little?
(bwinky = blinky = binky = pacifier)

Her: Sparkwy (sparkly) shoes are soooo beautiful! And princess ants bite, but they’re soooo sooo pretty!

Her: Camels have babies in their backs.
in the middle of a very different topic

Christian: Mom, will you stop and get me, like, a little sandwich or something.
Me: No, baby. We are not going to stop and eat. No sandwiches, we have dinner ready.
Tay: Well, will you stop and get a big sandwich?

Her: If I get fat, I will fall all the way down when I swim.
after about 10 minutes of silence in the car

Her: I can’t eat it. I will mess up my wipstick. (lipstick)
while rolling a sticky fruit strip around in her hands and wiping all over her seat, my cars, and her clothes

Me: We are going to stop for dinner.
Her: Can we go to a party and eat cake and ice cream for dinner?

Her: I am going to get huger than a choo choo train.

Her: I want to wisten to MY song.
Me: Which one? You have a lot.
Her: The “Ahhroooo” one.
Me: after going through about 12 songs This is it!
Her: No, its not!
Me: Yes, it is. knowing full well it isn’t and laughing hysterically with Ryan at our frustration

Bryson: This pool water is really warm.
Me: Ew. Its like pee water! Its been really hot outside lately.
Tay: No. That was me. I peed.
Dead serious face. Then smiles and goes under water to swim. In her pee water.

Christian: Eeeeeewwwww, Taaaaaayyyyy!!!! (making a HUGE deal about it)
Me: What happened?!
Christian: Oh! This is sooo gross!!!! Tay wiped a big booger on my arm!
Me: Tay, did you wipe a booger on Christian?
Tay: Yessss (in her weird goofy voice). I didn’t want it anymore. It was stuck on my fanger. (finger)
Ryan: Well, that makes sense. I’ve had boogers that just wouldn’t come off before.
Me: At least wipe it on your seat!

First thing in morning, she comes out to see me. The night before, she had a fever.
Her: My arm pits aren’t hot anymore.

Her: If my pumpkin gets stinky, I can just put it in my panties.
She hates when things get stinky and seems to have a very sensitive nose. She had no pockets that day, so her panties had to sub in.
Me: Not at church.

Christian: Moooomm!!! Tay ate my green fishing worm.

Me: Christian, I really don't think she'd eat that.

Tay: spitting out the worm on the carpet

A lot of the things she does are just really off-the-wall weird.
Lately, almost daily, she whines after I give all the kids their food.
She will look at it and whine saying “I am so hungry!”.
“Then eat your food, Tay.”
“I can’t. I am too hungry…. Whine, whine, whine, whimper.”
“Stop whining, Tay. You can talk.”
“I can’t talk! My mouth makes me whine.”
She does that a lot now, too. She blames whining on her mouth. Then she whines more because she says her mouth is whining.

She also likes to get disappointed at me and Ryan when a commercial comes on involving some place she hasn’t been. I don’t mean the Disney Cruise commercial or even the state of Iowa commercial. I mean a commercial where a cartoon family is all smiling, eating ice cream, riding on hovercraft vehicles, and wearing space helmets. She will say “Why haven’t you taken me to that place where they are? I want to smile, eat ice cream, wear a helmet, and ride in that flying thing.” It doesn’t matter how ridiculous the commercial or ad is. Somehow, its MY fault that it doesn’t exist. Even the Earth’s Best Organic commercial where they climb up in the tree and eat a grapefruit. I need to take her there so she can eat a grapefruit. She really, really wants to go to the party on Teen Beach Movie. (Me, too!!)

She is on a kick where she takes random things to bed with her. She sleeps in bed with me right now, so I am not sure how she plans on getting away with this stuff. Here are a few things she tried in the last 3 days:
A deflated pool tube (She said it was for me. So, I let her keep it since that made sense. NOT.)
A little piece of rabbit fur
A tiny gray plastic stick
A whistle (I am really not sure if she thought about how she’d get away with this one, or for how long. But, I do admire her confidence.)

　
She calls goggles “gobbles”, hiccups “pickups”, and lizards "wizards".

She licks random things. Like my arm, the pillow, her shoes, the table, the couch, Christian, etc.

Then, there's her usual. The stuff she's always been doing. Like:

Every.single.day she spills something.

Every.single.day she screams. A lot. A whole lot.

Every.single.day she falls.

She mostly bounces, instead of walking.

She breaks things. A lot. A whole lot. In her defense, its usually because she fell on it or knocked it over. But, a lot of times she broke it by tearing it apart. She is a picker.

Every.single.day she eats at least one piece of dog food. But, she doesn't always eat her dinner. (Just for the record, I don't feed her dog food. One of her chores is to feed the dogs. I always check on her. I always see her with a piece in her mouth. I always make her spit it out. I always think she'll grow out of it.)

Every.single.day she gets hurt in at least one really funny way. Like, her dress will get caught on the trampoline springs and she'll be stuck hanging upside down. Or she will be dancing, get dizzy, and run into the corner of the wall with her head.

I know its not appropriate to laugh. But, I was blessed with a unique sense of humor. I can thank my mom and her family for that.

She loves snacks. The other day, as I was getting her lunch, I noticed she had been gone for a while. The rest of the story can be best told in pictures: