Outtings with kids

 We checked out the outlet mall in Grand Prairie. At night. With all the kids. Late. On a no nap day. So, we were already standing at the top of our sanity ladder about to jump head first into the crazy pool.
Maven didn’t want to sit in the stroller. 
She never wants to sit in her stroller. 
I just needed to grab and buy a belt very quickly. The kids crawled under the racks, as they do. But, they were quiet and weren’t scaring any customers. Double bonus. 
After I paid, we did a head count and began to make our way out the doors...
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.
A security guard walked over to us with his arm out, as if to stop us from escaping. Christian’s face burned red. There was nothing visibly bulging from his pockets. Still, I was suspicious of Christian. I know what a guilty thief face looks like - I’ve looked in the mirror. I bent down to check his pockets, and he ripped away. I grabbed his arm, and he fell on the ground. I tried to pick him up, so he rolled. (Ever seen gator wrestling?)  If we hadn’t already made a scene with the alarm and security guard, we definitely were screaming SCEEENE now. After getting on my fours to perform some impressive WWE moves, I wrestled out two anti-theft security tags. All of this over those?!  I handed them over to security, glared at Christian, then went forth with our exit. 
Again, the BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. 
 We stepped back.  Again. 

Aaaand... repeated the scenario. 

That time, Christian handed over the remaining five tags. THANK YOU! Now, on our way…
Again! BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
Okay.  What is this?  Am I being punked?  That crazy ol' Ashton.
The security guard was totally over collecting stupid tiny plastic tags with large embedded needles. He just excused us, so bored with our fiasco. I was not going to give up so easily. I glanced at cool-as-a-cunning-cucumber Tay. She was calm. TOO calm. 
I checked her pockets and hit the mutha' load. 

I don't think she even felt guilty for letting Christian take all the blame. 

Ryan returned all the stolen anti-stealing devices.  I took the thieves and baby (who was probably taking notes) to the car. 
I don’t know if I should be happy that they were caught and maybe learned a lesson, or concerned for their stupid logic in the world’s most backwards theft. 

 

Tay and I ran into Saks to exchange some jeans.  This was supposed to be a quick trip, especially since the store was completely empty.  While I was looking for what I needed, Tay went to the bathroom (which was right next to me).  After about 5 minutes, I went in to find her.  She had dumped almost an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet.  She said she had to wipe her hiney a lot.  Either her hiney played in the feces, or she was really exaggerating her needs.  I got her dressed and we went to finish up.  On the way to the register, I stopped to smell some candles.  I glance over and see Tay looking at a children's mannequin.  She liked the shiny outfit.  TWO SECONDS later, I tell Tay to come with me and, as I look up, I see this:

 

It had a glove, which was on the hand, which was on the arm, that was ATTACHED to the body.  All of which were now not as they were. 

We headed over to the counter.  As I was checking out, this was Tay:

 I told her to get up. 

(Whyyyyyyy was this lady taking sooooo freaking long?!)

She got up and then stood quietly while she tried on a VERY EXPENSIVE exotic animal fur head scarf thingy.  She goofed around and pranced like a deer as I tried to grab it from her. 

(I did NOT take a picture of this because I was more worried about having to fork over my life's savings to pay for it.)

I looked like a girl trying to catch a fallen football.  (Ever done that?  You're all over the place, always going the wrong way.)  The lady thought Tay was just "soooo full of fun personality", which she definitely is.  Its just not fun if I end up broke over it.  So - unhand the out-of-my-budget accessories!

 Some kids sit in their seats. Some even like to sit in their highchairs or car seats. Some kids play quietly on iPhones or watch tv. Not ours. Our kids move. A lot. They keep going and going. They’re not hyperactive, just busy.  I promise they don't have AD(H)D.
Ever seen a cowboy lasso a bull?  That's our kids as soon as they're buckled in the car. (Which is why my car is an electronic very-friendly zone.)
Sometimes, they throw me a curveball.  It'll start out like this:

But quickly flips into this hair pulling kind of stuff:

This can't-sit-still fact makes dinner interesting. One night, we ate at a restaurant that also has a boutique inside. Maven saw something cute. She loooooves cute. She squeals with delight whenever she sees cute.  She wanted it. Ryan didn’t buy it, so she screamed. For 10 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!! So, he took her to the car, where she continued to scream for 20 MORE MINUTES! That girl has to be one of the most determined babies I have ever been around. (Just for the record, we didn’t cave.)  I stayed seated with Tay and CK. 
CK and I played on the kids menu and I heard Tay holler “Shit!”. 
"Um, pardon?"
“Shit!”
“Don’t say that. It isn’t nice.”
Christian chimed in “What did you say?”
“I said shit.”
He laughed.
So, she said it three more times. (She has a very loud voice.)
 I got her to stop after distracting her. 
All was quiet again until she hollered (yep, hollered - not whispered or said) “My hiney really itches!”. Once again, I distracted her. Things returned to quiet. This is why:

She was closet-eating butter and sugar.
Whatever.
After dinner, she asked if she could just look at the candy in the boutique. This is like an alcoholic asking if they can just smell your vodka. It doesn’t work. But, I said yes.  After a few minutes of gawking, the candy was visibly uncomfortable.

 I pulled her away and thought it was pretty easy. Too easy. So, learning from previous occurrences (see the beginning of this post), I checked her.
 I found a hidden lollipop.
She had clearly been taking notes on stealing.
She had gotten better.
 Crap.

We took the kids to our first family movie theater experience to see Frozen (its cute). 

As I was getting Tay out of the car, I notice that her tights are see-through.  I see through and see crack.  She isn't wearing panties.  She isn't wearing panties under her see-through tights.  She isn't wearing panties under her see-through tights in PUBLIC.  The unfortunate coincidence of the situation was the fact that the leggings were only transparent in the crotch region. 
I went through everything I have and founds some plaid boxers.  I stuffed those under her tights.  While doing this, Maven found a treasure (a Skittle) on the ground of the parking lots and ate it. 
As we walked through the theater, Tay pretended to be a frog.

We passed a scary movie poster.  I told the kids that the lady on the poster was the mean lady that came to take away kids that were misbehaving.

This is Tay's smile of uncertainty after I told her.

Before the movie started, Christian said "Mom, grab the remote!".  (I like how he thinks I control all things.)  As we watched the movie, Tay kept narrating her life "Momma!  I am watching a movie!  Look!  I am watching a movie right now." (Actually, when she said that she was looking at me and talking, not watching.  But, I didn't correct her.)  Since Ryan met us at the theater after work, we had 2 cars.  Ryan took a bullet and loaded his car with Christain, leaving with the two overly tired and whiny girls.  To show my appreciation, I recorded my ride and sent it to him.  Here is a snippet:

Maven cried, which made Tay cry because it hurt her ears.  So, every single time Maven wailed out, Tay followed with a cry.  It was totally in sync.  And totally not my song.

While meeting with our builder, we hear Tay holler across the entire office from the bathroom "Come wipe my hiney!!!!!".  She normally wipes her own hiney!  (Though, I often question how well.) What's with the sudden demand... and why advertise?  Directly after that, Maven walks up to Ryan and calls him "mama".  He corrects her by patting his chest and saying "daddy", which she follows with a pat on his chest and says "mama" - again in front of the builder.
They hate us.  Point taken.

I had to go to get blood drawn with all the kids in tow.  While waiting on the elevator, a heavy woman with some sort of very obvious skin condition walked up.  I KNEW what was about to happen.  I positioned myself in front of Tay and tried desperately to divert her attention to something behind her (something boring like a button and something totally unbelievable like a pink bunny with a pig nose - neither worked).  She pushed me over and said "MOVE!  I am trying to see that lady", as she pointed directly at that lady.
"We don't stare."
"MOM!!!! Move!!!  She has a baby in her tummy."
"NO one has a baby.  NO ONE."
"Yes!  HERRRR!"
(pointing with a very exaggerating finger in a tiled furniture-less hallway that echoed)
"Just say hi and smile, then."
Tay did.  The lady smiled and waved just as the elevator arrived.  We all packed on - "we all" as in the lady and us.  Then I smelled it.  I smelled her.  Poor lady.  Her condition, or lack of a shower that month, had caused a very pungent almost sweet smell.  All three of my kids stared and wiggled.  I knew they were aching to comment.  I wanted to hide.  By the grace of mom-glare power, they didn't open their mouths.  (or.. maybe they were just afraid they'd taste the odor) 

*Disclaimer:  We are not in the business of hurting others feelings.  I later explained to the kids that we should simply pray for that lady to be healed and that God makes everyone different.  Then we discussed things about ourselves that might be different from others.